#394 - Failure 2.0

Today was the day we were headed to the cottage.

I kept telling myself that throughout the day. I had my mentor assignment to complete, but there was some kind of block that was keeping me from starting on it. That turned out to be pure exhaustion. But I didn’t know that when I woke that morning.

I was able to sleep in a bit and that certainly helped. I still had to pack a bag and eventually pack the cooler and the car with all the bags and food stuffs.

Robyn had plans to bring up a Christmas tree and boxes of decorations for the cottage and that meant we were going to have to take two cars there. Her car was filled with just the decorations alone.

We couldn’t leave until after eight PM, because Robyn had to do her second job. The kiddo was at a friend’s and would need picked up along the way.

So, there was some down time before all that happened and we decided to start in on the Netflix series based off Stephen King’s, Carrie.

The characters were interesting, even if they spent bit too much time trying to make the bad girls at the school more relatable. I think that was unnecessary. But it was well shot, and the actress playing Carrie pulls off the innocent young woman well. I think we watched about three episodes before Robyn had to leave for her work.

I had to dismantle Robyn’s work computer so she could bring it to the cottage and keep working throughout the week. I’d taken it apart a week or two ago and labeled all the cables so it would be easy to reassemble once we got there. I put all the cables and small bits and bobs into a large Ziplock bag so it wouldn’t get lost.

I also had to get the house ready for our departure as well as get the cooler packed with all the perishables. I’d put somethings aside as well like spices and treats I wanted to bring up with us. I couldn’t remember what spices were up there already, but I was fairly confident that they wouldn’t have all the unique Indian spices I would need to make a batch of chicken ruby.

I packed some of the other versatile spices like garlic, onion powder and Old Bay. I added in the creole spice we’d recently bought in case Robyn wanted to make her seafood boil recipe. And of course, I brought up some cinnamon in case the kiddo decided to make us his world-famous French toast. He’s not likely to make the effort, but a stepdad can dream, can’t he?

I set up my DJI mic mini on the driver side sunshade and placed my laptop on the front seat of the car. At this point in the day, I believed that I might be able to dictate a portion of my assignment while I was driving the second half of the trip. The first half taking us through Toronto and the traffic being to ridiculously crazy to even attempt dictation. I did a quick test and the mic worked well in that position just above my forehead. I had a back up system in place as well, consisting of an around the ear mic hooked up to a small digital recorder.

With the car packed, I waited until Robyn returned from her work a little after eight PM. We headed out and drove to the Winston Churchill Go Bus Terminal to pick up the kiddo who was already there waiting for us. Picking him up was a bit of a small detour and cost us some time, but there was no one up at the cottage waiting for our arrival this time, so it didn’t really matter when we arrived. I was a bit concerned about getting my assignment in on time and it was starting to look like I would be pulling an all-nighter again.

The kid was ready and waiting, so it was a quick stop and then back on the highway once more. Being Sunday night, the traffic wasn’t as bad as we usually experience. Even so, I wasn’t comfortable trying to dictate on these highways. Even with the lighter traffic they are still notoriously dangerous.

It wasn’t long before we had made it through the 401 and onto the 400 north. The 401 is by far the worst part of the journey and often takes up half our travel time. We were making great time all things considered. I started playing the dune Messiah audiobook on the car stereo and was enjoying listening to the story as I drove.

Before long we were coming up on the King City En Route stop. This is traditionally about halfway through our journey, but because of the lighter traffic we had arrived here much earlier. None-the-less, I figured Robyn and the kiddo in the other car behind me were likely ready for a pee break.

I headed to the gas station, while they other two headed into order some food and use the restroom. The gas seemed every expensive to me today at $1.78 per liter. I parked the car after gassing up and headed inside to join the others.

Robyn had ordered me a whopper meal. I wasn’t very hungry, but I was more than happy to have some delicious salty beef and fries. I bought some sour strawberry strips Robyn likes but often has trouble finding from the snack bar before heading out.

The highway got even less populated the further north we went, but at this point I was happy just listening to the audiobook and I gave up on the idea of dictation while I drove. With little traffic on the roads and good clear weather, we continued to make good time.

We rolled into the cottage around eleven and were able to pull up to the top of the driveway to unload, thus avoiding multiple trips up and down flights of stairs. I opened to cottage using an electronic code supplied by my brother-in-law and then went back for the luggage. With the three of us working at unloading it didn’t take long at all.

Robyn had to working in the morning, so after putting the groceries away, I helped her set up her computer and screen in the cottage’s dining room. Robyn and the kiddo stayed up for a little bit longer and then headed to bed.

I setup my laptop and writing paraphernalia in the great room. Pen and paper in hand, I tried to get a story started. This is the way I start most of my stories. A yellow legal pad and I pen I like. I try to work out the character, where they are and what is bothering them.

I struggled for a little while to find something that attracted me. Eventually, I settled on a young woman in a fantastical setting, a citadel original created by a race of giants. Outside the citadel is a forest where she needs to go to find some herbs for her ailing father. The magic in this world is derived from the ancient race of giants, and she finds a bone remnant while she is foraging.

A bone fragment is a powerful magical object and therefore worth a considerable sum. She could sell it and get more than enough money for medicine and a better life, but along the way home it is stolen from her.

And that was the basis of the start I had. And that seemed good enough for me to get writing, but then the fatigue of the day, the month and even the year weighing me down. I struggled until about two thirty in the morning before finally throwing in the towel.

I went to my mentor’s website and read one of her articles on writing. It was about her experiences in writing when 911 happened and how she had had to stop writing in order to deal with things. And that hit me hard at that very moment.

I felt the exhaustion. I’ve been talking about that for ages if you have been here since January. But at that moment I knew I was burnt out. Burnt-out from work, from writing and from life itself. There weren’t any desires to end it all, I’ll never succumb to that. I love living, but I was just so damned tired all the time.

This week at the cottage represented a chance to finally rest and to reboot my writing journey. I briefly thought I could write the story on Monday, since I had no work to do, but that was me just lying to myself. I needed to rest and heal.

And when my mentor wrote to ask if I was handing in my assignment, it came almost as a relief. Failing felt awful and I was ashamed of that part of it, but I had the whole week to work on my assignment with little to no distractions.

But first, I needed a few days to collect myself, eat well and get lots of rest.

The cottage was cool and as I headed up the creaky stairs, cringing at each step, hoping I wouldn’t wake my sleeping wife, I felt like a failure and like someone who needed a rest. I took strength that this little setback would eventually be better for me.

I got ready for bed and slipped under the cold sheets after creaking across the room. I laid there for a while thinking about things and feeling a bit relieved that I didn’t have to pull an all-nighter. Those are too painful these days to keep doing to myself and not sustainable.

This week at the cottage provided me with an opportunity to change the way I write things. Instead of cramming it all in at the end, wouldn’t it be nice to dabble a little bit each day. Write a thousand words of fiction each morning. Get it out of the way and achieved first thing. Wouldn’t that give some peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment?

I aimed for a start date of Wednesday. That would give me two days to relax and recover. Surely, I thought, that would be enough time. And if I took things easy during the week, I should be in great shape by the time I left on the following Sunday night.

Of course, there would be a few snags to this thinking. One, I had my word quota due at the end of the month, and I was at least five days behind on that. And I still had to write the 2026 words per day on top of that. That didn’t sound like much of a rest, but with no work to do during nine to five, I figured it wouldn’t be so bad.

I decided I would let myself sleep as long as I wanted Monday morning and then the same again for Tuesday. The goal was to recuperate and not feel guilty about it. I was on vacation after all!

I had a couple of minutes left on the Dune Messiah audiobook, but I was too tired to even listen to that for that long. I’d save it for tomorrow. I had the next book in the series downloaded and ready to go as well. There would be time for that later.

I had a chapbook with me from the author and teacher of Science Fiction, Algis Budrys. I decided I would read it again and watch some of the writing lessons from my teachers on Fantasy Stories as well. I figured that would be a good way to let my mind rest while keeping the learning trajectory going. I didn’t think it would be too overtaxing to read a bit and listen to some lectures about writing.

As I laid there in bed, I received an email from my teacher, letting my know that a class I had signed up for would be ready to watch on Tuesday. The subject matter was all about setting and it was the perfect course for what I am currently working on with my mentor.

Fantasy settings are very much about the setting as much as they are about everything else.

Time for bed.

Back on the horse by Wednesday.